Being Yourself,

It's never easy to convey the society for who you are, I honestly feel left out at times. 

Am I the only person who finds things so differ and eccentric? 

Am I the only person who finds wry smiles attractive? I don't smile when I'm walking alone. People might think I'm a snobbish hoe just for my looks. On the way I walk as well, however I'm proud of it...there is nothing to change because I'm being myself. It feels wondrous to be in your own skin. 

I finally found someone like myself and he is in a complete same state as I am. A loner with a mind of art. He even said I'm one of kind, which awes me inside. I have no idea why but I feel like I can relate to him spiritually. He is such an interesting person. 

For the past few days, I've been feeling highly low about myself. No doubts, my life is probably the most leisured out of everyone, I am coping with my studies pretty well, my parents are friends are doing just fine, as I can remember. I am such a problem-less person. The only problem coming is me, creating things that aren't supposed to occur. It's normal I guess to find a little chaos in life. I feel like a plain canvas, I need some colours painted out. Not exactly, I'm pretty fine with my current life. 

Don't deny this, but I do think I'm mildly bipolar (?) 

I have mixed feelings the whole time and my thoughts on everything are mostly neutral. I find things solvable. There is always a solution to a hassle. I'm thinking of dying my hair grey, it's not a complete grey but somehow like a combination of white and grey and a little bit of green huh? Bizarre, but seems fun. Patiently waiting for my hair to grow longer. Can't wait to be 21, going to hit the clubs, drive around the city at late nights just to have McDonald's, and maybe start doing charity. The world needs it. 

Forming adulation,

It's true when they say love kills, it doesn't just hurt someone, it literally takes away a part of them as well.
Hello, greeting from the grim. How are you guys? I've been alright, except for the failed grammar test today, I am beyond disappointed with myself...besides missing home, I am also psyched about my final exam. The schedule is out hence major preparations should be held, I need to ease this! Dean here I come. 

I lost myself a few days ago, maybe I was too caught into my own grief till I forgot the fact that I still have massive responsibilities and commitments towards living. I have goals to achieve and to be sad, is just a waste of time. However, deep inside I do feel a part of me, disappearing. It's the part where I am not able to love anymore. 

I was bored earlier, so I watch The Hobbit. I am not a fan of fiction movies, but Hobbit is acceptable. I was watching the last chapter, which was The Battle of the Five Armies and I was actually crying because Thorin died. The only reason watching was because of Legolas the elf, howbeit my attention went straight to Tauriel, the female elf. She was devastated to the fact that her lover Kili died and she stated that to love someone is a great pain and she wishes to cast that feeling away...Love hurts people, a lot. It changes one, from something to nothing. It's a calamity that brings damage. 

Speaking of damage, I am somehow in rage..with my own good friend. She's close with me but I found out that she just broke up with her faithful loving boyfriend, and currently dating someone else. It pisses me off because she was a jerk to that dude, we're schoolmates by the way. To find out, that she left him for another guy is saddening and when she's denying it, it's somehow disgusting to me. I don't mind she's seeing someone else but at least hint me, spare me with some clues...but she didn't. She denied it and the truth came out after everyone pressured her. She admitted? 

It's casually annoying and I don't like hypocrites. Be clear to me, come clean. Hiding is optional, but when it's vivid and when I share things with her, it should flows both ways don't you think? Another solid reason to not trust a decent looking lass. 

Good for you,

I am foremost the saddest person on earth today. Besides getting my only class of the day cancelled, I was brought up with a painful truth. In my vulnerable state I have no one to talk to, except for myself. No shoulder to cry on, no comfort, no one. I only have Lana's songs to wipe my tears away.

After 8 months of waiting, I finally got my closure.

The epic ending of my love life stopped this morning, and I realise that it's gone, for real. Admiring and reminiscing the past, it came to the point where everything just broke me apart. It's been a while since I cried this hard. The last time was on 3rd December (the night of the parting) I remember watching The Great Gatsby to spice up the whole grief...

The thing that made me moved forward is when I am learning to accept the fact why he or maybe I left him (?) We were young and I'm getting along with my luck/destiny/fate (?). After crying and screaming alone, I got myself sleeping in pain. As the usual, waking up after a long cry is irritating, by that I mean my eyes were puffy and I scarcely see anyone. 

Later that day, my good friend Dan called me up and invited me for a little tennis game. No matter it's just a casual invitation, I became the happiest person alive. We played tennis the whole evening, tagging along my other good mates. Jack was there as well, plus it's his birthday today (!)  I had the most wonderful time today with them, they were so nice to me and they treated me so well. I felt appreciated, as much as I love them. 

Being here is indeed a new living phase, I should really let the past go...for good. 

Curse you,

I'm not sure whether I am being retention or I just get scared easily. 

I only do mistakes once in a life time, and I later will never cross my mind to ever do it again. It's a once in a blue moon kinda thing. The pain frightens me. For example ice skating. It was a massive mistake and I crossed my heart to never ever go ice skating anymore. It was somehow my first and last trip. I eventually fell and hurt my back pretty bad, thus since that very day, I've boycotted all ice rings I come across. 

So, I had trouble sleeping last night, did a lot of things to kill time but I was finally defeated by my own curiosity, cheers. I happen to stalk my past lover and I got devastated and I went texting him at 6 am in the morning asking him why he left me. Frankly speaking, it was the most fucked up act I've ever done. Bravo, El. Girls, listen don't be a bitch like me. Stop asking for answers, but I'm only curious and I need closures. 

He haven't reply to it, but I honestly don't think I can handle the truth. I am a fragile hoe. I'm just tired because I'm surrounded with couples, everywhere. My housemates are happy with their partners, my friends are dating and flirting in front of my face, while I am nothing but a vengeance person to my past. I can't be with any guy? Indeed, I'm friends with lads, however, whenever a guy tries to woo me, I will definitely get infuriated and dismissing that particular person as soon as possible..

Leave alone the pickup line and the compliments they shower me, I will immediately push them away and lost interest with their words. Deep inside, I was raging, I'm pissed, upset and disappointed. I felt like crying too at times but by throwing sarcasms to others, I get elated and basically forgot about the whole despairing memory I have inside. It kills, it hurts, it's an agony.. rebounding. I hate myself for this.